Confessions of a Commitment-Maniac

*poof* … and then the handsome young prince turned back into a frog.

Just when you said that you found the one, destiny turns its wheel and you’re right back to square one. Lately, I’ve been diving into one relationship after the next. And after being into so many relationships (around 7) in just over a year, I am starting to think that there is something disturbingly wrong with me. My friends have told me time and time again that I should not even blame myself but I think otherwise. If I analyze it very well there are several things that will lead me to the conclusion that I am indeed a commitment-maniac. Here are some signs.

You know you’re a commitment-maniac when…

1. You meet one person and have an instant connection with and assume that this will be another beautiful relationship without even knowing his last name.
2. You spend next hour talking about previous relationships, asking about why it didn’t work. You ask for their names and pray you don’t know them or worse had sex with them.
3. You immediately ask for a number where he/she can be reached and instantly call with sweet blah-blahs.
4. When he doesn’t reply to your sms, you call and pretend to say you just miss talking when really you’re just bothered if he’s still interested.
5. On the first date you ask, “Are you really ready for a new relationship?”
6. If the answer’s a “yes,” you hold hands.
7. If it’s a “no,” you say,” I’m willing to wait.”
8. You’re demanding, setting rules and regulations like a kindergarten teacher.
9. On the third date, you say, “I think I’m falling for you.”
10. On the sixth date you say, “I love you.”
11. You force him/her to take dozens and dozens of pictures every time you meet just to keep the memories frozen but really you just want to tell the whole world you’re in a relationship and that you’re sweet.
12. You plan things like, living in together, opening a bank account, buying a dog, working at the same building or same office, brainstorms on pet names, plans out of town and country trips, wants to meet the parents and other family members, demands to meet friends, all in one week.
13. You break-up after a week or two, with reasons as petty as you failed to say the “three magic words” today.
14. You instantly sms, call, or advertise via YM, MSN, Friendster or Multiply that you broke up and now being back in singlehood is open for date referrals.
15. You cry less and less when you encounter break-ups either because you’ve grown stronger or just that you got so used to it.
And lastly,
16. You’re in another relationship after less than a month.

Now let me remind you that as this may not be applicable to everyone, these are based on the events in the life and loss of a commitment-maniac. I am neither proud nor happy that this has been happening to me in the past couple of years but it has been something I’ve learned to accept and now very much willing to change. I’ve learned from these ‘mistakes’ and I’m ready to go on a crusade to fight the mania. I guess part of being a commitment-maniac is to be blamed on the fact that I am a hopeless-romantic to the core. Nothing special here, just a simple guy who’s addicted to love and simple dreaming of the day when he would settle down, be happy with someone, hold hands , read a book, watch the TV on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Someday another frog will pass by his way and maybe turn into the prince charming he had hope for since he knew how to kiss.

Good Morning/Goodbye

And so it has come to this, after 5 years of an on and off relationship you decided to break my heart again and I decided it would be the very last time. We met at a very unlikely place and time. It was half past two in the morning when you stopped and asked me for directions. Who knew that a simple question would lead us to years of complicated love? I never expected that in one unlikely morning at half past one by June’s end you said your goodbye.

Did you ever wonder why is it that every time you’re sad, it suddenly rains. Perhaps it is Gaea’s way of empathizing with you.

It was a cloudy morning and I immediately knew that it was not the same. I could smell it as clearly as pancakes for breakfast. It was distinct. The wind felt dry and humid. The grass poised as tall as ever seemingly welcoming the first drop. It was going to rain, for I am sad. It was a day filled with anxiety. Eagerly anticipating what’s coming. I could not get out off bed. I wanted to lie there and sleep for a hundred years and wait for my Prince Charming to wake me from my eternal slumber. But life, my life, was not a fairytale. There is no Prince, only dragons. I rolled out of bed, dragged myself toward the bathroom. Doing the same routine. Bathe, brush my teeth, shave, dress up and get ready for work. But I really did not want to work; I did not want to move. All I could think about was that only a couple of hours ago you decided to call everything off. You did it with such coldness that could rival the Artic Sea. I did not understand why and your answers only led to even more complicated questions. I was dazed and confused. I only felt a sense of deep sadness and a nagging feeling of fear. I was scared that I will not be able to love the same way again or that I will be trapped in my vulnerable state. Both of which I did not want but had. I wanted to be over you the soonest but I did not know how. I’ve forgotten how to move on. So I drank to try and sink my sorrow to oblivion. It didn’t work. Alcohol was never a solution to anything. I turned to my friends for comfort and assurance that it was not my fault. And yet I kept blaming myself for something out of my hands. They were right. It was not my fault and the only reason I weep was because I believed that forever could happen to us. I’ve accepted the fact; the truth that it was just really not meant to be. I should move on now and try to be happy in my solace. And I know in time I will. When the rain stops I will dance outside to my own music. Music only I can hear, without you. I will stop dancing in the rain to hide my tears. Because this morning when I saw you again I decided to hate you and love you the only way I know how. On this beautiful morning after the rain, I said my very last goodbye.